I've been learning some things.
I read that sentence and realize how inflated it sounds. As if I have had it all figured out up to a certain point, and just now am discovering some new truth I have yet to encounter.
Rather, I should say, the Lord has been convicting me of things here and there, and I'm really forced to listen and yield to correction. Because of all of this, all along, I should have had straight, but what do you know, I went and let my priorities get all out of sort.
I'll start by saying that quite honestly, I was struggling to find joy at home. I would go to sleep actually dreading the early hour when I knew the fires would start, and I would stumble out of my bedroom into the furnace that was my 3- and 4-year-old requiring all of the energy and attention my broken sleep had granted me. I literally did not want to go to sleep because I was already dreading the inevitability of losing my patience over and over, raising my voice (yeah, I'm working on yelling at my kids too), and playing Monster Truck Arena through yet another mental breakdown. What does this look like for you? Because for me, it's trying to help my son manage his meltdown when he can't get his monster jam ramp JUST right, while I am struggling to manage my own grown emotions. It is the hardest. But eventually, I started thinking, goodness gracious there has got to be more than this. This can't be it.
Also, I don't want to jump into my "moment" too quickly, because whatever similar experience you are walking through, I want to encourage you to take a moment and sit in it. Sit in the honesty of it and put negative words to it to describe the negative feelings that nobody wants to talk about because "it'll make me look like a bad mom". In case everybody has forgotten, there is more to everybody's home than what is shown on social media. Anybody can set up the camera and get the perfect shot of their kids behaving so magnificently, on task with the organized activity, while they prepare a home cooked meal in full makeup and the trending outfit. And you know what, if that is the reality of your home, then my goodness all the power to you, and please comment below with your strategies 'cause ya girl could use the help. But when it doesn't look like that, and you put yourself in time out along with your toddler because you hated how you just handled that situation with that little heart, let's get into it. Mothering is hard. Keeping a home is hard. Managing your family is hard. Not everybody is capable of doing this job, and honest to goodness without the Lord, I know I would be doing this already hard job WAY worse. And what is so taboo or wrong with being honest about that? I recently had a conversation with a close friend about a difficult season they were walking through. This friend is a God-FEARING woman who I know has the fullest faith in the Lord and walks it out daily. But as she was describing this to me, she was honest in her language of the anger, frustration and confusion that she was experiencing. And it was so REFRESHING. I thanked her and told her how encouraging it was that she didn't jump straight to the "I know the Lord is good and in control and He's got this." While all of that is undoubtedly true, the reality was that in that moment, there were feelings to experience before that comfort and peace could sweep in and transcend all understanding. And that is the kind of conversation I want to see and hear more of. Feel your feelings, feel the negativity that you don't want other people to see because we shouldn't feel that way as Christians. When you put an honest name to all of that, you can acknowledge it, release it, and make room for God to come in and do what He does.
In my case, it was a realization in the form of words that I knew were not of my own mind, but that I wanted to adopt wholeheartedly for my family and for our future.
"We live full lives and we enjoy each other."
It sounds simple but break it down with me. Not busy lives, but full lives; well-rounded lives. I examined our free time at home and asked myself, "What options do my kids have?" With working from home amongst other things, it is so easy to fall into the pattern of watch a movie in the morning, have some screentime (like watching an hour and a half movie isn't), and watching a movie in the afternoon while I work. It's also easy to justify it. But there is SO much more to offer, but it takes intentionality and sacrifice. So, we incorporated new options. My kids aren't huge fans of reading (go figure, I wasn't prioritizing it because I didn't feel like reading with them), but I love reading, I teach reading for a living, and I want my kids to share that love, or at least the appreciation for books. So now we have weekly library and play games with books (further notes on that to come!) My daughter loves art, and my son loves matching games, so now rather than sending them to do those activities by themselves to have some alone time, I bring my Bible to the table with them, and all of a sudden, I'm reading scripture out loud while they are doing something they enjoy. It can be easier to put them in front of a movie I know they'll watch, but when there is so much more to offer and soak in in this life, how selfish of me to deprive them of that for my own flesh. So, we're trying to live fuller lives.
And last, we enjoy each other. We don't survive each other or put up with each other. But I slow down to notice the little moments where God points out how awesome and incredible and unique he created these people I get to spend the rest of my life with. He had to shift my perspective from these days that I feel like I'm surviving through, to considering that for the rest of my life, these are my people. And they will never be like this again, 3 and 4. I will never be 31 with them again. God gave us this life not just to spend together, but to cultivate together. To spend decades of sowing and reaping with one another on an intimate level I won't experience with others outside of our family. The beauty, the preciousness in that. I want my children and my husband to look back on our lives and know, the times we were the happiest and were the most joy filled was when we were just together, simply being our family with one another. In today's society, that is made to look like the smallest sliver that should fit into the rest of your live of exceeding, excelling, and expanding beyond limits. But I disagree. How can I possibly find true, lasting joy in anything outside of the single, most cherished thing God has entrusted me with, pouring into and serving his OWN children who HE loves and adores, who He chose to place in my care. Enjoy each other.
Lastly, I'll say this for the woman who saw that Instagram post of the mom who makes her kids homemade Cinnamon Toast Crunch to shield them from the additives. You probably saw this as you were scrolling and pouring a bowl of Coco Krispies for your kids like I did. Grace, sisters, grace. But anyways, I'll say this,
God gave you your children knowing you would be their mom. Your personality, your flaws, your scars, your mistakes, your shortcomings. And He handpicked you for their lives. To the believer, this is an obvious fact. But that doesn't mean we don't forget it sometimes. Like I said earlier, these things I have been learning to apply, are common sense really, and I should know them. But I let life and the comparison trap get in the way, maybe you have too. Praise the mercies that are new every morning. Use those mercies as the gift that they are. The gift each day of a new opportunity to experience the kind of love so many spend their lives longing for. This unconditional, agape, core love that binds you and your family together. It's our responsibility to sow and cultivate that relational environment in our homes, what a gift, a daunting gift, but a gift, nonetheless. And to know that He delights in that cultivation, ready to bless it and bless our families countless times over and beyond what we could do. That is something to look forward to when I go to bed each night.
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