When was the last time you spent time to truly look in the mirror. I mean, study your face. Look into your eyes. Examine your skin and how things don't quite look as you remember. Did you recognize her? Or was it as if you were meeting a stranger for the first time, and you are prepared to introduce yourself, "Hello, I'm Heather O'Malley. Who are you?" And then at once, like a wave of grief and sorrow and confusion, you realize, you don't know how to answer that question. Who is this person? I could tell you facts about her. I know her name is Heather. I know she is a mom, and a wife, and a teacher, and a writer. I know she is trying to learn to cook, and she works out, and she just recently took up the activity of crossword puzzles. I know she has been a Christian for 13 years, and I know she journals and writes her prayers because it helps her brain process God's voice. I KNOW these things. But do I LOVE these things about her? Do I see the value in these pieces of her that not everyone is made up of? Because recently, when I have looked in the mirror, I will be honest. I see a shell. This shell is weathered, and worn, and cracked, but not necessarily in the sense of forehead wrinkles and gray hairs that weren't there before. I mean in the sense of there are pieces missing out of her. There are little dents and chips that fee like bits that should be there, but there is something missing. This vessel that the Lord is using doesn't feel complete, but I'm not quite sure what those missing pieces are.
What comes to mind is abstract art. You know, the kind of canvas that looks like my three-year-old daughter grabbed brushes and just went to town. Then you have onlookers who will peruse and analyze each individual stroke to derive some profound meaning from it. They say beauty is in the eye of the beholder, but when it comes to abstract art, I really can't imagine what goes on in that beholders head! Even still, I believe that is the same picture we present to God. When we are trying to figure out, "How did I get here? How has this been my life? How have these things happened and what on Earth does life look like now on this side of things?" God, the ultimate beholder, is looking at us saying, "If you only saw how beautifully exquisite you are now." Because, you see, the chips, the missing pieces, the pieces that have been plastered in to repair cracks that don't quite look like our original selves, all of that is evidence of something so beautiful, so precious, so divine, that when we truly begin to behold what God does in us as individuals, women, not moms or wives or daughters or friends, we see ourselves in an entirely different light.
These chips and cracks that I'm speaking of can come from every imaginable steppingstone of life. Whether it is the years of sleepless nights from raising babies, all the way to deep trauma that has altered you to the core, one day we look up and we are unrecognizable to ourselves. The way I see it in my own life, is for the last few years, it's like I have been surviving through the days on autopilot mode with blinders on. I realize with all of the life that has happened over the course of years, there is quite a bit that I've acknowledged, but never truly sat in the point of discomfort. I mean, sat with another, or sat with the Lord and actually answering the question of, "How did that make you feel?" I never explored this in so many areas because I very much have the mindset that says that was then, this is now, and I have too much goodness and responsibility to waste emotional energy on things I've moved on from. And to a certain extent, this is very healthy and biblical. However, the discernment of where to invest your emotional energy should come after the processing of those emotions. And I'm learning that part of that process is to examine how these things of life CHANGED me.
With all that we go through in this life, I believe the Lord has either equipped us for beforehand, or the Spirit will equip us for the circumstances themselves as they come. I think of David, who spent his entire life in the quiet of the hills, tending to and protecting his flock with a slingshot in hand, learning to listen to God's voice. For all of these years, he perfected a giftedness and skill that was unique to him and would be the unique solution to the very challenge he faced in Goliath so many years later. God equipped him with that skill of using a slingshot prior to meeting Goliath, but the Spirit equipped him with the boldness and courage in the moment to walk through the task at hand, and even successfully. I love the line of a popular worship song that says, "I may not face Goliath, but I've got my own giants." How true that rings, and how true it is that God is still the same now as he was then. Everything we face in this life, from the mundane to the monstrous, God used as an opportunity to grow and strengthen either an already planted fruit of his spirt, or to plant the seed of a fruit that was once not there. Do you see where I'm going with this? These things change us on a spiritual, physical, personal level, but it is not bad change. Yes, the circumstances may be bad, but the change they prompt in us is beautiful because it is proof of refinement by his holy spirit.
Let me put it this way. Those chips that now make up your vessel that make you unrecognizable...
One of those is the patience and longsuffering that grew through years of praying for your baby to sleep through the night. One of those is the peace that came when you first experienced what it feels like to forgive somebody who hurt you in unimaginable ways, because you learned that God sees and is sovereign over all.
One of those is the love and compassion you felt for a coworker who clearly was not walking in the spirit, and then another piece is the humility that came from praying for their heart rather than gossiping about them.
One of those is the joy you suddenly found in doing another load of laundry, because you are living out an answered prayer of serving your home and family.
One of those is the self-control you demonstrated when you had every right to lash out and put someone in their place for wronging you, but you prayed in the midst of the conversation for the holy spirit to move and intervene on your behalf.
One of those is the faithfulness you have to the Lord, after the miscarriage, and others that followed, having questioned if God was even still faithful to you.
My point is, when we are moving as a disciple as a woman, Matthew 4:19 gives it to us in black and white. Jesus said he would make us into something. We are constantly being made into something new, a version of ourselves that more accurately reflects Jesus. I can never be Jesus, but I can live like him with the personality God gave me, and that is something fun and exciting to consider!
All of this to say, when you don't recognize yourself in the mirror, do not lose heart, do not be discouraged, but rather encouraged. This is a good thing, and it is a good starting point to take your relationship and intimacy with the Lord to another level and say, "Okay Lord, I AM different. I am NOT who I used to be, and I want to get to know this new person more. I want to get to know her better because you see a stained-glass masterpiece, and I want to love the unique pieces of mine as you see them." Now, what will this require? Hard, uncomfortable, quiet work. Still work. Intentional work. But really, if you knew there was someone out there who the God of beginning and end describes as treasured, wouldn't you want to get to know them better, too?
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